What divorce can teach marriage

On Sunday afternoon while reading the paper I came across an article that left quite a bitter taste in my mouth, something about this article really got under my skin! The article entitled ‘Vow leads to chastity’ basically claims that “marriage will (in no particular order) ruin your sex life, make you fat, propel you into IKEA on Saturday mornings and ruin Christmas Day forever.” The basic argument of the article was that we as a society are better off without marriage. You can read the article by Wendy Harmer here.

I am actually from a divorced family myself and have witnessed many other families I know suffer from the very real 50% divorce rate statistic. So you might ask then why did this article annoy me so much? You see I actually believe in marriage and desire to be married someday. Having experienced the trauma of a divorce first hand actually stirs up a desire in me to see marriage done right, to fight for this institution and to see others who are disillusioned by the failure of marriage in our society to be the change.

My parents were married in October 1983 in Tumut, a small country town in NSW. These young and somewhat naive lovebirds had met a couple of years before doing street evangelism in Brisbane during a time of Pentecostal revival where Jesus was coming back any minute. It was an era where things were rushed, not planned or thought out and done with an urgency. I do believe that marriages were conducted quite similarly with little preparation for longevity.

The wedding day

They were brought together by a united desire to serve Christ and build his church despite vastly different personalities, hobbies, interests and cultures (dad being a 5th generation Aussie and mum a Finnish immigrant). Without much preparation for married life this newly couple were starting a life and family together.

After planting a church in a small town on the NSW south coast, having two children, eventually moving to the big smoke of Sydney, leaving full-time ministry, and re-entering the secular workforce, much had changed. For them what was once love had become familiarity, what was once passion had become an obligation.

Happy memories

In early 2002 it all came to a sudden halt and mum and dad were separating. It may have appeared sudden for some but the cracks had been growing overtime. Amongst the pristine happy memories of life before the separation, I can now look back and remember many arguments, signs of unhappiness and a sense of we’re in it for the kids.

The hardest part of it all was the years following where the reality of a divorce began to be outworked. The guilt, disappointment, confusion, hurt, and brokenness affected us each differently. The saddest part of divorce for our family was the broken relationships – with each other and with God. For me I saw firsthand that the enemy “comes only to steal and kill and destroy” while Jesus came so that we could have “life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10), as it was during this that I found Jesus for myself.

While divorce in essence is not good¹, we cannot assert that marriage is good simply by contrast. Here are some theological, psychological, and philosophical reasons why I believe in marriage, based on my own personal experiences.

1. We are not meant to be alone
No one is meant to do life by themselves. While not all of us will find that special someone, there is a need in all of us to find connection, community and contact with others. We are made in the likeness of a relational God (who desires relationship with all of us). Part of our relationality is that we desire “eros” love, an intimate love between a man and a woman. In that intimate love, a man and a woman will share their lives, passions and interests. For my parents it was a shared desire for ministry, however there could and should have been more shared interests as when ministry left their lives so did a major part of their bond. I desire someday to be married to my best friend, that girl whom I can share and enjoy every part of life with.

2. We need commitment to see love last
History has shown that people need commitment, the security that comes from promise. Marriage is and has throughout history been a covenant between a man a woman to each other before God. The marriage ceremony has evolved to be a commitment before friends and family too. It is a public declaration that an individual is committed to another person, forsaking all others. I have witnessed many couples living together (some quite close to home) whom are rather confused about the status of the relationship. While they act in many ways as a married couple, they lack the sense of “one flesh” with regards to living united. This is outworked in finances, children, work, and so on. What I have also commonly observed among those living together is the uncertainty of them being with the right person. They appear to think that they’ll hold off from marriage as someone better just might come along. Marriage is actually somewhat of a step of faith, choosing to believe that this person they can spend the rest of their lives together. Once the initial feelings of love begin to fade, it is a commitment that keeps two people together.

3. Marriage is about giving not taking
Ephesians 5 beautifully paints an image of the mutual submission and the giving of oneself to each other in marriage. Our world has a warped understanding of love. Love is too often confused with infatuation, lust, sex, power, and so on. It is when a couple looses sight of each other and begins to think more of self that a marriage begins to fail. I believe that in order to make it last, a married couple should never stop “dating”.

4. Don’t just marry anyone
One of the biggest reasons I believe we are currently experiencing such a high divorce rate is that the many people (particularly from the Baby Boomers generation) married young and naively only to rediscover what they really wanted in life after they were married. It is commonly thought that it it best to get married from the mid 20′s on.² While it makes sense to wait till you are at a place in life where you know who you are and what you want there must be more to consider. My sister and I have approached looking for our significant other in the most polar opposite ways. My sister at 17 has has numerous relationships of all lengths, many many heartaches, and even a baby resulting from one relationship. I on the other hand have never had a serious relationship. My year 6 girlfriend of 2 weeks doesn’t really count! The main difference is that I know what I want and am enjoying the single season of my life as I search for it. My sister on the other hand loathes singleness, running hastily into relationships which I believe are clouding her judgement and distracting her from finding what kind of husband she would like to have.

5. A marriage needs outside support
While it is pretty obvious that a successful marriage needs both people to participate, I think many fail to realise the communal nature of a marriage, or any relationship for that matter. Relationships are best done not in a vacuum but in a community of people where there is accountability, example and a change to be an example. One of the pitfalls of my parents was the perfect image they presented, not revealing any of the struggles or challenges they were facing which is why their divorce came as such a shock to many. Not only are times of trouble a good chance to seek counsel from others but to also seek professional advice from a counselor. As mentioned earlier, a marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman before God. God should be at the centre of every marriage. He is the ultimate source of guidance, encouragement, wisdom and counsel for any marriage or relationship. As they say; pray together, stay together.

6. There is no marriage or relationship beyond repair for God
“For the Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost” (Luke 19:10). The Father’s heart is restore a broken and separated humanity to Himself which is why He sent His Son. Likewise He desires to restore broken relationships that occur within humanity as a result of the fall. This past Sunday was Fathers Day and it was such an awesome day for me when in church I was worshipping God with my mum, dad and sister. My parents may not have gotten back together but God can restore relationships and mend broken hearts. That’s my testimony.

It is today’s generation that has the power to change things and to see divorce rates lower, and I believe it’s possible! Statistics are showing that divorce rates are actually lowering and that surprisingly the number of marriages is increasing.³ I believe that today’s generation has learnt from the makes of the generations gone before, and like me is determined to get it right!

1. Divorce in essence is not a good thing however it must be pointed out that divorce can actually be a good thing for certain situations such as in the cases of abuse. While divorce may not be God’s ideal, He does forgive, heal and restore.
2. http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-11-09-delayed-marriage_N.htm
3. http://www.theage.com.au/national/marriages-at-20year-high-as-breakups-decline-20090831-f5a2.html